The Weight of the World
Love… Where do I begin?
It’s a question that has echoed through the corridors of my mind more times than I can count, a puzzle with pieces scattered across the landscape of my heart. Love is not just a feeling; it’s a journey, a tapestry woven from the threads of joy, pain, and everything in between. But why does pain exist when you are supposed happy? Why do you have fears when comfort is what you are looking for?
I think back to those early days when love was nothing more than a distant dream, a whisper in the wind. It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment when it all began. when her presence became something more than just another passing acquaintance, perhaps it was the way she cared tickled my heart, but maybe she didn’t, maybe it was the way she looked at me, no, I am not that special she looks at everybody the same way, maybe I like it more than them? probbably. Whatever it was, it ignited a fire within me, a longing that refused to be ignored.
And so, I found myself tumbling headlong into the intoxicating whirlwind of infatuation. Every moment seemed tinged with the promise of something more, every word spoken between us pregnant with possibility. It was a time of exhilaration, of boundless optimism, as if the world itself had conspired to bring us together. But that was not the case. And from here it all starts, the initial rush of excitement gave way to something deeper, something darker, and heavier emotions started to surface, if i can find describe it in one sentence I would say it feels like a rock stuck in the throat.
There was the gnawing fear of jealousy, the irrational insecurity that whispered doubt into the recesses of my mind. It was the fear that someone else might lay claim to the heart I held so dear, that my love might not be enough to keep her by my side. But it’s never enough isn’t it?
And then there was the vulnerability of laying bare my heart, of confessing my feelings and risking rejection. The moment most men fear. It feels like a moment fraught with uncertainty, a leap of faith into the unknown. The thought of losing her friendship, of forever altering the delicate balance of the relationship, filled me with a sense of dread. ‘Be brave’ they screamed at me…‘you are a man you have to take a risk!’. Are you stupid? I’d rather have her as a friend than lose her. Do you know how much it pains me just to answer that? The fact that I had to go through that weighs my heart as it exists
But even amidst the turmoil, there were moments of transcendent beauty that made it all worthwhile. The things that makes love what everyone calls love.
Like the feeling of her head resting against my chest, the world shrinking to nothing as we lost ourselves in each other’s embrace. How small the world feels. In those fleeting moments, all the pain and uncertainty faded away, leaving only the pure, unadulterated bliss. There were times when she held my hand just to show me something, the shivers, the heartbeat, the fucking feeling of not wanting to let go until you set foot in the grave. I wish that was the only thought that goes through the head, It is also the fact that you know she didn’t feel the same when she held your hand.
I think I lost my passion for love. Why love? The pain outweighs comfort most of the time, so why even bother? the exhaustion of endless swiping and meaningless dates. It was the disillusionment that set in when the facade of perfection crumbled, revealing the flawed humanity beneath.
As a person, I don’t believe in depression, but I believe that the feeling of being depressed exists. It’s becoming noticeable on my face and in my actions that something has changed. Even the way I eat and speak has been affected. People keep asking me what happened or what’s different about me since I’ve been away from them.
What should I tell them? Should I tell them I’m in love? Should I confess that I’ve fallen deeply into your eyes? That when I see you I stutter? Should I tell them even though you remain silent My heart can hear you? Should I tell them when you walk by I tremble in front of you?
I sometimes want to stand up to her face and scream ‘What are you?’, ‘why are my tears of no value to you? And why do I accept that you hurt me when my soul is in you? And why am I accepting this torment at your hands?’ Look at me! can you see? Or is it that you don’t want to see that I love you?
Eventually, I realized I was wrong in distancing myself from the love of a woman, If this is love, my misery shall be from it, If this is my sin, I will never repent, If it is my destiny to live in suffering, I will live in suffering,
despite the pain and the heartache, I wouldn’t trade a single moment of it for anything in the world. For amid the chaos, there were moments of pure, unadulterated joy that made it all worthwhile. Moments that made me smile when nothing else could, but in the end, it’s a journey — a journey worth taking, no matter where it may lead, Love is more powerful than reason, We all know that. Love is the death of duty and duty is the death of love, You will just have to reach for one of them, Good luck choosing.
Do you want to know what all of this feels like? It feels like you are carrying The weight of the world…in a good way ^^.
